Today, I am thankful for all of my family: here in USA, in Russia, and around the world!

These are foster children that Dianne and I visited on a couple of our trips to Russia

Today, I am remembering the two Thanksgiving Days that Dianne and I spent in Russia ministering to the kids in orphanages there. The children had so little to be thankful for, but they were so anxious to give and to share.

Experiences I will never forget: the one little girl who insisted that I should take her bean bag doll as a gift... and the little one who persisted that I should hold her gloved hand as we road on the train, because she had gloves and I did not.

On one of our Thanksgiving Day visits, we were at the Luga Orphanage, about 4 hours south of St. Petersburg, and Dianne told the children about eating pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving Day. The children had never heard of such an unusual thing, and asked her to bring pumpkin pie on our next visit. Dianne didn't forget. The next time we traveled to Russia, she took the ingredients for a pumpkin pie. She tried to make the pie at a small flat in Luga, and the stove would not cooperate... so she ended up making pumpkin cake. The kids loved it anyway!

On another Thanksgiving Day, when Eva Эвелина Птуха was working as our coordinator and interpreter, we went to Misha's (Eva's husband) Mom's flat for a wonderful feast. Misha's Mom wanted us to feel "at home" on our Thanksgiving Day... and we did! Of course, Thanksgiving Day is not celebrated in Russia.

Today, I am thankful for all of my family... my family here in the USA and in Russia and around the world... all of my Big Family. I am thankful to the Lord that He gave His life for me and all of my family so that we can spend eternity together!

Dianne's studio: without the fabric and work tables... a sad song without a melody

Dianne's studio, after removing work tables and most of her fabric

     Every time I look into Dianne's studio, the pain of deep loss flows through me.

     The studio is so empty now, without her work tables and the storage cabinets brimming over with fabric that she had collected over the years.

    Dianne and I used to call that tile area in front of the fireplace our "dance floor".  Yes, we actually danced there a few times... before we installed her work tables over the tile area.

     Now, the dance floor is empty again... and I am so empty without her in my arms.

     

How do we embrace God's purpose and provision in suffering? 25 classic and contemporary answers.

For any Christian going through mourning and grief... or a journey of pain and disappointment... I would recommend Be Still, My Soul, a collection of 25 classic and contemporary readings about the Christian experience with pain and suffering.

This is definitely not a "surface" read.  It's real meat for those who want to look directly in the face of tragedy and disappointment... for those who are asking the question: "Why is God allowing this in my life?"

I will share a few thoughts from one of the articles in the book, written by A.W. Tozer:

"It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply.

"Without doubt we of this generation have become too soft to scale great spiritual heights.  Salvation has come to mean deliverance from unpleasant things.  Our hymns and sermons create for us a religion of consolations and pleasantness.  

"We overlook the place of the thorns, the cross, and the blood."

If anyone is reading this article, and would like a copy of the book, but cannot afford to buy it right now... email me and I will send you a copy.

Thank you for joining with me on my journey through grief!

Can I have enough faith to say: "Thank you, Lord, for breaking my heart?"

Is it now the time for me to thank God for breaking my heart?

God spoke to me through His servant Oswald Chambers... from yesterday's devotional in My Utmost for His Highest...

"Why shouldn’t we experience heartbreak? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us collapse at the first grip of pain. We sit down at the door of God’s purpose and enter a slow death through self-pity. And all the so-called Christian sympathy of others helps us to our deathbed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, as if to say, “Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine.” If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?"

Thank you, Lord, for breaking my heart. Now I reach for the grip of that pierced hand. Help me, Lord, to arise and shine!

Remembering how Dianne loved the beauty of large rocks... and how "The Rock" blessed me with "a rock"!

"A rock" given to me by "The Rock"

Today, I write about "a rock" and "The Rock".

First, I must explain that Dianne had a fascination for rocks... not the diamonds kind... but large rocks.  When we built our home, we were able to import several large boulders to accent our lawn.

When we drove over to the Cracker Barrel in Hamburg, we always passed a landscaping business that displayed a huge rock on the corner of the property.  Dianne would always say something like:  "Can we get that rock?"  Of course, the rock was really too big for us to think about relocating to our lawn, but Dianne always enjoyed seeing it there as we passed by.

I can remember on one of our road trips south on Interstate 81, when we stopped at a motel for our night's rest... the next morning, Dianne spent almost an hour taking photos of the large rocks behind the motel.

OK... hopefully, I have established that Dianne really loved the beauty of "big rocks".

Just two weeks ago, I took my first road trip south on 81 without Dianne by my side.  I stopped at the Quality Inn in Staunton, VA, where I had made a reservation a couple of days before.

I was really surprised at how clean and modern the hotel was.  The room was beautiful.  Of course, I couldn't help but think how much Dianne would have appreciated the very clean and modern room, complete with nice paintings hanging on the wall.  Yes, it was terribly lonely in that beautiful motel room all by myself.  I was definitely hurting through the night.

When I woke up in the morning, I decided to open the curtains in my room to check out the view.  

The view consisted of one huge rock right outside my window!  One of the most beautiful rocks I have ever seen in my life!  I wish the photo above was clearer.  I made it through the window in my room.

After I had checked out and was headed down 81, tears of joy ran down my cheeks as I thought about how unusual it was for that rock to be right outside my motel room.

Consider:

• I don't normally stay at Quality Inns;

• When I made my reservation, I had enough points to stay free of charge at one Choice motel in Staunton (the Quality Inn);

• Earlier this year, the Quality Inn at Staunton was a Microtel.  It was bought and converted into a Quality Inn this spring.  I certainly would have never stayed at a Microtel;

• There was one room in the entire motel that had a rock outside its window:  the room that I stayed in.

When I returned home and went to church this past Sunday, can you guess the song that led off our worship service?  If you guessed "Rock of Ages", you are indeed correct.

My praise goes up to "The Rock" who gave me "a rock" when I was walking through the "valley of the shadow of death"!

"A rock" that "The Rock" planted outside my motel room in Staunton, Virginia

Confessing how I didn't understand what widows and widowers were going through... before my Dianne went to heaven

(I published this "status" on Facebook recently, but I know there are a few people who read this blog who are not on Facebook... so here it is on the blog....   

  I must confess that, before Dianne went to heaven, I was somewhat insensitive to the grief experienced by widows and widowers. I used to think: "Well, it's been 3 months since their husband or wife passed away... they should be getting over it... and getting on with life." Or, "it's been a year... and surely they should be 'over it' by now."

     Now that I am a part of this group that I never wanted to join, I realize that losing the love of your life creates a hole in your life... and the grief is with you for the rest of your life. You might plow through the grief, find ways to tame it, find ways to share it... but the grief is going to be there for the rest of your life.

     It's not a very happy kind of statistic, but unfortunately, almost one-half of married couples are going to be experiencing the grief of losing their spouse. Of course, a few couples go home together... but it's rare. Dianne and I had always prayed that we would live long lives, just go to bed one night, and pass away together during the night... going on to be with our Lord. Of course, God didn't answer that prayer the way that we thought best.

     Why do I write this? 

     For those of you who have your spouses... cherish each day and frequently express your love for each other.

     And... to everyone who has never experienced losing a spouse... just understand and encourage those who have.

Remembering the fragrance of Dianne and her Dolce Vita... and hoping to find a good home for her perfume

Dianne and Dolce Vita got along very well together

    Trying to find a new "home" for your loved one's favorite things is both agonizing and therapeutic.  I think a lot of widows and widowers avoid the agony by just keeping all or most of the personal items.
     Dianne really liked Dolce Vita perfume (and bath products) by Christian Dior.  Dolce Vita and Dianne's chemistry were good for each other.  She would often have perfect strangers stop her in a store and ask her what perfume she was wearing.
     Several years ago, it appeared that Christian Dior was gradually discontinuing the Dolce Vita line of products.  I think they still make the perfume, but have discontinued the other related products.
     Dianne was concerned that the entire Dolce Vita line was going to be discontinued... and so... when either one of us saw a bottle of the perfume for sale, we would often buy it "for the future"... just in case.
     I have hesitated writing about the perfume, but I now have 8 bottles of perfume, several bottles of the Dolce Vita lotion, and other Dolce Vita items.
     I could take the items to our local thrift store.  They have said they will take perfume, but I hesitate to do that.
     I know there are other people "out there" who really like Dolce Vita as well, and they would thoroughly treasure this collection. 
     Maybe ebay would be the way to go?  I could give the proceeds to Big Family Mission. 

Autumn leaves: some were very special to Dianne... and today one of those was very special to me

Trees in our back yard are beginning to tell us it is autumn!

      I think that autumn was Dianne's favorite season of the year.  It is really difficult to determine her favorite, because she saw the beauty in each season as it came.
     She loved to experience the thousands of different colors that God painted on the trees around our home.
     I must admit that all the leaves looked pretty much alike to me.  I admired their colors... enjoyed them ... enjoyed them until it was time to rake them up.
     But, for Dianne, some leaves were special.  She saw the beauty in all the leaves, but it was almost like God was sending her a special message in some of the leaves.
     It was not unusual for Dianne to collect these special leaves and to place them in books ... somewhat randomly... to dry out... and to enjoy on some future day when the colors of autumn had given away to winter.
     Today I decided to look through the books on our kitchen area bookshelves and determine how many books I would have to open before I found one of Dianne's special leaves.
     The answer:  I found this leave in the second book I opened. At one time, it had a special message for Dianne... today it had a special message for me.
     Thank you, Lord, for your "special message" leaves!

This "special message" leaf was in the second book I opened...

Three months after Dianne went home to be with her Lord... I miss her more and more each day

     Earlier on this blog, July 14, I wrote about the pain of losing the love of your life... how do you describe that pain on a scale of 1 to 10?  A level of "10" doesn't begin to tell the story.  (You can read that earlier article here.)
     In those early days after Dianne's passing, I somehow felt that over time the pain would subside, and life would somehow begin to make sense again.
     Yesterday marked three months since Dianne left us to go home to be with her Lord.
     The pain has not lessened, and life seems to make less sense as each day goes by.
      It seems that, with each passing day, I miss her more and more.  
      Gradually the truth comes to me:  this pain will be with me for the rest of my life.  It may periodically subside, but it is something that I cannot control or conquer.
     All that I can do... in facing and living each day as it comes... is give all my pain and grief over to God... and trust Him to bear it with me.
     If you read this, will you lift me up in prayer?  I need your prayers now more than ever.
     Thank you!

"Red at Night"... another fiber art piece to be featured in the Mindful Landscapes exhibition which opens on Sunday

"RED AT NIGHT"

     "Red at Night" is another of Dianne's pieces that will be featured in the Mindful Landscapes exhibition, opening in Omaha, NE, on Sunday, September 21.
     It was one of Dianne's favorite pieces... and won first place in the National Fiber Celebration exhibition sponsored by the Northern Colorado Weaver's Guild.
     You can read more about the Mindful Landscapes exhibition here:  Mindful Landscapes in Omaha, NE.

Some of Dianne's fiber art that will be featured in the upcoming "Mindful Landscapes" fiber art exhibtion in Omaha, Nebraska

"Feeding the 5,000"

"Feeding the 5,000" is another of Dianne's fiber art creations to be included in the upcoming Mindful Landscapes exhibition in Omaha, NE.

EDGE, an organization of contemporary fiber artists, will honor Dianne as featured artist in the exhibition.  Dianne was a charter member of the organization, and often had pieces of her work juried into EDGE's annual exhibitions.

You can read more about the exhibition here: EDGE exhibition Mindful Landscapes 2014 . 

I had previously written on my blog about another of her pieces that will be included:  Barn Art I.  You can read about that piece here:  Barn Art I and how it came about.

I wrote about another piece that will be in the show, "Abundant Waters" on Facebook.  You can read the article here:  "Abundant Waters".

Dianne will have five additional pieces in the show.  I will write about those later.

Remembering Dianne's love for fabric... and spreading the love around by giving her fabric to fiber artists and quilters

     Like all fiber artists and quilters, Dianne loved fabric.  Over the years, she collected a wide variety of fabric from many different sources.
     As a tribute to Dianne and her love for fabric and fiber art, I am trying to give Dianne's fabric to those who will put it to good use in fiber art pieces and quilts.
     The stack of Dianne's fabric you see in this photo will be included in the upcoming exhibition, Mindful Landscapes, to be held in Omaha, NE.  Participating artists will be invited to take a piece of the fabric to use in one of their future creations.
    I have also made the fabric available to fiber artists who wish to receive a big box of her fabric for future work.  So far, fabric has been sent out to 9 fiber artists.  If you are a quilter or fiber artist and have interest in receiving a large USPS flat-rate box of Dianne's fabric, please email me first (kendockery@yahoo.com).  If fabric is still available, you can send me a check for $18 (for the postage) and I will send you a box of her fabric.
     Any fabric that is not distributed to fiber artists and quilters will be donated to The Linus Project, an organization whose members make quilts and bed clothes for orphans and children at risk.
     I know that Dianne would be pleased to know that her collection of fabric is being put to good use!