Six months after losing Dianne: it hurts more each day but I understand the hurt a little better

   

    Today marks six months since my dearest Dianne went home to be with our Lord.

    If someone had asked me a year ago (before my loss of Dianne) if I would miss her less after 6 months, I would have probably said... "yes"?

    Now, having gone through six months of grieving, I am not surprised that I miss her more and more each day.  A few months ago, I thought it was a "bad thing" to miss her more as time goes by.  Today, I understand that my missing her this way just demonstrates how much I loved her and still do love her.

    Time does not heal all wounds!

     Although the hurt is deep and the missing more intense with each passing day, I am encouraged when I remember that each passing day brings me one day closer to being home with the Lord and with Dianne.

    My love and thanks goes out to each of you who are with me on this journey! 

How God comforts us and helps us through pain and grief, by Pastor Rick Warren

     I listened to this message last evening... passing it along. Pastor Rick Warren, who lost his 27-year-old son due to suicide, shares six ways God comforts and helps us through grief:

+ God draws us close to Himself;

+ God feels our pain with us;

+ God gives us a church family for support;

+ God uses grief and pain to help us grow

+ God gives us the promise of heaven

+ God uses our pain to help others.

     Pastor Rick also gives some advice for those who are comforting those who are grieving: 

(1) Never minimize the grieving person's pain or try to "fix it"; and 

(2) Never try to rush people through the grieving process or set time expectations for how long the grieving process should last. 

     We don't get over the loss of a loved one... we get through it.

     Click on the link for the 45-minute message: How God Can Bless a Broken Heart.

Today, I am thankful for all of my family: here in USA, in Russia, and around the world!

These are foster children that Dianne and I visited on a couple of our trips to Russia

Today, I am remembering the two Thanksgiving Days that Dianne and I spent in Russia ministering to the kids in orphanages there. The children had so little to be thankful for, but they were so anxious to give and to share.

Experiences I will never forget: the one little girl who insisted that I should take her bean bag doll as a gift... and the little one who persisted that I should hold her gloved hand as we road on the train, because she had gloves and I did not.

On one of our Thanksgiving Day visits, we were at the Luga Orphanage, about 4 hours south of St. Petersburg, and Dianne told the children about eating pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving Day. The children had never heard of such an unusual thing, and asked her to bring pumpkin pie on our next visit. Dianne didn't forget. The next time we traveled to Russia, she took the ingredients for a pumpkin pie. She tried to make the pie at a small flat in Luga, and the stove would not cooperate... so she ended up making pumpkin cake. The kids loved it anyway!

On another Thanksgiving Day, when Eva Эвелина Птуха was working as our coordinator and interpreter, we went to Misha's (Eva's husband) Mom's flat for a wonderful feast. Misha's Mom wanted us to feel "at home" on our Thanksgiving Day... and we did! Of course, Thanksgiving Day is not celebrated in Russia.

Today, I am thankful for all of my family... my family here in the USA and in Russia and around the world... all of my Big Family. I am thankful to the Lord that He gave His life for me and all of my family so that we can spend eternity together!

Dianne's studio: without the fabric and work tables... a sad song without a melody

Dianne's studio, after removing work tables and most of her fabric

     Every time I look into Dianne's studio, the pain of deep loss flows through me.

     The studio is so empty now, without her work tables and the storage cabinets brimming over with fabric that she had collected over the years.

    Dianne and I used to call that tile area in front of the fireplace our "dance floor".  Yes, we actually danced there a few times... before we installed her work tables over the tile area.

     Now, the dance floor is empty again... and I am so empty without her in my arms.

     

How do we embrace God's purpose and provision in suffering? 25 classic and contemporary answers.

For any Christian going through mourning and grief... or a journey of pain and disappointment... I would recommend Be Still, My Soul, a collection of 25 classic and contemporary readings about the Christian experience with pain and suffering.

This is definitely not a "surface" read.  It's real meat for those who want to look directly in the face of tragedy and disappointment... for those who are asking the question: "Why is God allowing this in my life?"

I will share a few thoughts from one of the articles in the book, written by A.W. Tozer:

"It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply.

"Without doubt we of this generation have become too soft to scale great spiritual heights.  Salvation has come to mean deliverance from unpleasant things.  Our hymns and sermons create for us a religion of consolations and pleasantness.  

"We overlook the place of the thorns, the cross, and the blood."

If anyone is reading this article, and would like a copy of the book, but cannot afford to buy it right now... email me and I will send you a copy.

Thank you for joining with me on my journey through grief!

Can I have enough faith to say: "Thank you, Lord, for breaking my heart?"

Is it now the time for me to thank God for breaking my heart?

God spoke to me through His servant Oswald Chambers... from yesterday's devotional in My Utmost for His Highest...

"Why shouldn’t we experience heartbreak? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us collapse at the first grip of pain. We sit down at the door of God’s purpose and enter a slow death through self-pity. And all the so-called Christian sympathy of others helps us to our deathbed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, as if to say, “Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine.” If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?"

Thank you, Lord, for breaking my heart. Now I reach for the grip of that pierced hand. Help me, Lord, to arise and shine!

Remembering how Dianne loved the beauty of large rocks... and how "The Rock" blessed me with "a rock"!

"A rock" given to me by "The Rock"

Today, I write about "a rock" and "The Rock".

First, I must explain that Dianne had a fascination for rocks... not the diamonds kind... but large rocks.  When we built our home, we were able to import several large boulders to accent our lawn.

When we drove over to the Cracker Barrel in Hamburg, we always passed a landscaping business that displayed a huge rock on the corner of the property.  Dianne would always say something like:  "Can we get that rock?"  Of course, the rock was really too big for us to think about relocating to our lawn, but Dianne always enjoyed seeing it there as we passed by.

I can remember on one of our road trips south on Interstate 81, when we stopped at a motel for our night's rest... the next morning, Dianne spent almost an hour taking photos of the large rocks behind the motel.

OK... hopefully, I have established that Dianne really loved the beauty of "big rocks".

Just two weeks ago, I took my first road trip south on 81 without Dianne by my side.  I stopped at the Quality Inn in Staunton, VA, where I had made a reservation a couple of days before.

I was really surprised at how clean and modern the hotel was.  The room was beautiful.  Of course, I couldn't help but think how much Dianne would have appreciated the very clean and modern room, complete with nice paintings hanging on the wall.  Yes, it was terribly lonely in that beautiful motel room all by myself.  I was definitely hurting through the night.

When I woke up in the morning, I decided to open the curtains in my room to check out the view.  

The view consisted of one huge rock right outside my window!  One of the most beautiful rocks I have ever seen in my life!  I wish the photo above was clearer.  I made it through the window in my room.

After I had checked out and was headed down 81, tears of joy ran down my cheeks as I thought about how unusual it was for that rock to be right outside my motel room.

Consider:

• I don't normally stay at Quality Inns;

• When I made my reservation, I had enough points to stay free of charge at one Choice motel in Staunton (the Quality Inn);

• Earlier this year, the Quality Inn at Staunton was a Microtel.  It was bought and converted into a Quality Inn this spring.  I certainly would have never stayed at a Microtel;

• There was one room in the entire motel that had a rock outside its window:  the room that I stayed in.

When I returned home and went to church this past Sunday, can you guess the song that led off our worship service?  If you guessed "Rock of Ages", you are indeed correct.

My praise goes up to "The Rock" who gave me "a rock" when I was walking through the "valley of the shadow of death"!

"A rock" that "The Rock" planted outside my motel room in Staunton, Virginia

Confessing how I didn't understand what widows and widowers were going through... before my Dianne went to heaven

(I published this "status" on Facebook recently, but I know there are a few people who read this blog who are not on Facebook... so here it is on the blog....   

  I must confess that, before Dianne went to heaven, I was somewhat insensitive to the grief experienced by widows and widowers. I used to think: "Well, it's been 3 months since their husband or wife passed away... they should be getting over it... and getting on with life." Or, "it's been a year... and surely they should be 'over it' by now."

     Now that I am a part of this group that I never wanted to join, I realize that losing the love of your life creates a hole in your life... and the grief is with you for the rest of your life. You might plow through the grief, find ways to tame it, find ways to share it... but the grief is going to be there for the rest of your life.

     It's not a very happy kind of statistic, but unfortunately, almost one-half of married couples are going to be experiencing the grief of losing their spouse. Of course, a few couples go home together... but it's rare. Dianne and I had always prayed that we would live long lives, just go to bed one night, and pass away together during the night... going on to be with our Lord. Of course, God didn't answer that prayer the way that we thought best.

     Why do I write this? 

     For those of you who have your spouses... cherish each day and frequently express your love for each other.

     And... to everyone who has never experienced losing a spouse... just understand and encourage those who have.

Remembering the fragrance of Dianne and her Dolce Vita... and hoping to find a good home for her perfume

Dianne and Dolce Vita got along very well together

    Trying to find a new "home" for your loved one's favorite things is both agonizing and therapeutic.  I think a lot of widows and widowers avoid the agony by just keeping all or most of the personal items.
     Dianne really liked Dolce Vita perfume (and bath products) by Christian Dior.  Dolce Vita and Dianne's chemistry were good for each other.  She would often have perfect strangers stop her in a store and ask her what perfume she was wearing.
     Several years ago, it appeared that Christian Dior was gradually discontinuing the Dolce Vita line of products.  I think they still make the perfume, but have discontinued the other related products.
     Dianne was concerned that the entire Dolce Vita line was going to be discontinued... and so... when either one of us saw a bottle of the perfume for sale, we would often buy it "for the future"... just in case.
     I have hesitated writing about the perfume, but I now have 8 bottles of perfume, several bottles of the Dolce Vita lotion, and other Dolce Vita items.
     I could take the items to our local thrift store.  They have said they will take perfume, but I hesitate to do that.
     I know there are other people "out there" who really like Dolce Vita as well, and they would thoroughly treasure this collection. 
     Maybe ebay would be the way to go?  I could give the proceeds to Big Family Mission. 

Autumn leaves: some were very special to Dianne... and today one of those was very special to me

Trees in our back yard are beginning to tell us it is autumn!

      I think that autumn was Dianne's favorite season of the year.  It is really difficult to determine her favorite, because she saw the beauty in each season as it came.
     She loved to experience the thousands of different colors that God painted on the trees around our home.
     I must admit that all the leaves looked pretty much alike to me.  I admired their colors... enjoyed them ... enjoyed them until it was time to rake them up.
     But, for Dianne, some leaves were special.  She saw the beauty in all the leaves, but it was almost like God was sending her a special message in some of the leaves.
     It was not unusual for Dianne to collect these special leaves and to place them in books ... somewhat randomly... to dry out... and to enjoy on some future day when the colors of autumn had given away to winter.
     Today I decided to look through the books on our kitchen area bookshelves and determine how many books I would have to open before I found one of Dianne's special leaves.
     The answer:  I found this leave in the second book I opened. At one time, it had a special message for Dianne... today it had a special message for me.
     Thank you, Lord, for your "special message" leaves!

This "special message" leaf was in the second book I opened...

Three months after Dianne went home to be with her Lord... I miss her more and more each day

     Earlier on this blog, July 14, I wrote about the pain of losing the love of your life... how do you describe that pain on a scale of 1 to 10?  A level of "10" doesn't begin to tell the story.  (You can read that earlier article here.)
     In those early days after Dianne's passing, I somehow felt that over time the pain would subside, and life would somehow begin to make sense again.
     Yesterday marked three months since Dianne left us to go home to be with her Lord.
     The pain has not lessened, and life seems to make less sense as each day goes by.
      It seems that, with each passing day, I miss her more and more.  
      Gradually the truth comes to me:  this pain will be with me for the rest of my life.  It may periodically subside, but it is something that I cannot control or conquer.
     All that I can do... in facing and living each day as it comes... is give all my pain and grief over to God... and trust Him to bear it with me.
     If you read this, will you lift me up in prayer?  I need your prayers now more than ever.
     Thank you!

"Red at Night"... another fiber art piece to be featured in the Mindful Landscapes exhibition which opens on Sunday

"RED AT NIGHT"

     "Red at Night" is another of Dianne's pieces that will be featured in the Mindful Landscapes exhibition, opening in Omaha, NE, on Sunday, September 21.
     It was one of Dianne's favorite pieces... and won first place in the National Fiber Celebration exhibition sponsored by the Northern Colorado Weaver's Guild.
     You can read more about the Mindful Landscapes exhibition here:  Mindful Landscapes in Omaha, NE.

Some of Dianne's fiber art that will be featured in the upcoming "Mindful Landscapes" fiber art exhibtion in Omaha, Nebraska

"Feeding the 5,000"

"Feeding the 5,000" is another of Dianne's fiber art creations to be included in the upcoming Mindful Landscapes exhibition in Omaha, NE.

EDGE, an organization of contemporary fiber artists, will honor Dianne as featured artist in the exhibition.  Dianne was a charter member of the organization, and often had pieces of her work juried into EDGE's annual exhibitions.

You can read more about the exhibition here: EDGE exhibition Mindful Landscapes 2014 . 

I had previously written on my blog about another of her pieces that will be included:  Barn Art I.  You can read about that piece here:  Barn Art I and how it came about.

I wrote about another piece that will be in the show, "Abundant Waters" on Facebook.  You can read the article here:  "Abundant Waters".

Dianne will have five additional pieces in the show.  I will write about those later.

Remembering Dianne's love for fabric... and spreading the love around by giving her fabric to fiber artists and quilters

     Like all fiber artists and quilters, Dianne loved fabric.  Over the years, she collected a wide variety of fabric from many different sources.
     As a tribute to Dianne and her love for fabric and fiber art, I am trying to give Dianne's fabric to those who will put it to good use in fiber art pieces and quilts.
     The stack of Dianne's fabric you see in this photo will be included in the upcoming exhibition, Mindful Landscapes, to be held in Omaha, NE.  Participating artists will be invited to take a piece of the fabric to use in one of their future creations.
    I have also made the fabric available to fiber artists who wish to receive a big box of her fabric for future work.  So far, fabric has been sent out to 9 fiber artists.  If you are a quilter or fiber artist and have interest in receiving a large USPS flat-rate box of Dianne's fabric, please email me first (kendockery@yahoo.com).  If fabric is still available, you can send me a check for $18 (for the postage) and I will send you a box of her fabric.
     Any fabric that is not distributed to fiber artists and quilters will be donated to The Linus Project, an organization whose members make quilts and bed clothes for orphans and children at risk.
     I know that Dianne would be pleased to know that her collection of fabric is being put to good use!

Remembering when Dianne looked forward to receiving the next issue of Gourmet and Bon Appetit magazine in the mail; anyone interested in rescuing boxes of back issues from the trash?

Remember when Gourmet and Bon Appetit were source for many recipes?

   By the way, Dianne wasn't perfect... but, she was really good at a lot of things... including cooking.  Although in more recent years, we ate mostly salads... at one time, she was an ardent collector of new recipes and liked to try them out on me!  Of course, I was always more than willing to be her "taste tester".  When a meal was really great (which was quite often)... I would always say..."Put that one on the menu!"
   For many years, we subscribed to Gourmet and Bon Appetit magazines... and for whatever reason... we held onto a lot of the back copies... which haven't been touched in over 10 years.
   I am now preparing to trash them, but thought I would check to see if there are any "old magazine" or "old recipe" collectors out there who would like to have several boxes of magazines full of recipes for culinary delights.
   If anyone has interest, let me know?

Dianne's prayer closet: it was a part of her daily life and her fiber art creations. "Prayer Closet III" going to Flint, MI

Dianne's fiber art piece, "Prayer Closet III", was displayed at Sacred Threads 2013 down in Virginia.  Next week, it will be on its way to Flint, Michigan!

   Dianne liked to pray!  Her personal "prayer closet" was her rocking chair situated right in her fiber art studio.  For as long as I can remember... unless she was very sick... Dianne was in that chair first thing in the morning after her shower and washing her hair.  She wouldn't like me telling this, but... she

This was Dianne's personal "prayer closet".
Unfortunately, no photos of Dianne in her
"prayer turban" were allowed.

wrapped her hair in a towel and let it dry while she was praying.  She indeed had a unique "head covering" as her prayers went up to God.
   She liked to journal her prayers... and when I read her prayer journals... I can see that her prayers often went up to God about all of our family, our church family, our friends, and our orphan ministry.
   Dianne completed three fiber art pieces in her "Prayer Closet" series.  The third was completed last year, and was juried into the 2013 Sacred Threads Exhibition.
   The First Presbyterian Church in Flint, Michigan, invited Dianne and others whose fiber art appeared in Sacred Threads, to send their creations out to Michigan to be viewed and enjoyed by their church members from September 7-28.  The artwork will also be included in the Flint Festival of Quilts September 11-13... and the Second Friday Art Walk on September 12.   
   When Dianne created "Prayer Closet III", she wished to depict the prayers "bubbling up" to God.  Can you see them going up in her creation?
    Daily devotions and prayers were an essential part of Dianne's daily life... and in her teachings, she often encouraged others to find a "prayer closet" and make praying a daily discussion with God.
   Do you have a prayer closet?

Walking through the door of grief: remembering how much Dianne appreciated a little box of coconut clusters

Remembering today... how much Dianne appreciated
those little boxes of coconut clusters!

To put it mildly, I have a passionate dislike for "going shopping"!

However, I have discovered during the past year or two how easy it is to order things on line... and have them delivered directly to our home.  Somebody does the shopping for me... and delivers it directly to my doorstep!

Dianne thought I was a little bit extreme when I started ordering our favorite coffee from Walmart.  The specific type we liked wasn't available in our local supermarkets... I could buy the coffee at a great price... and if I ordered enough... delivery was free!

I tried it ... and it worked perfectly... so that's how we started buying our coffee online from Walmart.

On the second or third order, I noticed that Walmart also had available the little Russell Stover coconut clusters that Dianne liked so much... so I ordered a box of the candy along with the coffee.  Of course... I didn't mention the candy part of the order to Dianne.

When our order arrived, and Dianne opened the package, you would have thought that I had given her the most expensive and exotic gift in the world!  She was so happy to get that little box of coconut clusters.

So, all future orders, included both coffee and coconut clusters!

This box (in the photo above) was still sitting on the shelf in one of our bookcases... and when I saw it today... I had to cry.

I have recently read several places that we have to go through the door of grief... we cannot go around it.  

Today's door was this box of Dianne's favorite candy.

Remembering Dianne as I return from my first trip away from home without her by my side

Dianne and I loved to travel together.  One of our most memorable trips was to Italy, where we were able to meet Dianne's cousins, the part of her family who remained in Italy when three of the brothers in the family decided to come to America in early 1900s.  Most of the family still lives in or near the tiny village of Pugnetto.

I just returned home from a very nice visit with daughter Angie and family in East Tennessee.  Also, was delighted to spend some time with my sister Kim.
Dianne and I always enjoyed traveling together... but always enjoyed coming back home.  Of course, this visit without her by my side was quite different.

What I missed most:

• Dianne's packing.  She was an expert, and I always knew that she would remember everything, and everything would be packaged perfectly for the trip;
• Praying with Dianne in the car before we started out to the airport;
• Holding Dianne's hand as the plane took off;
• Holding Dianne's hand when the plane hit turbulence;
• Holding Dianne's hand when the plane landed;
• Dianne by my side at family meals;
• Dianne by my side at church;

I was actually doing pretty well at holding back the tears until I came upon the first "down escalator" of my trip on the way back home.  Dianne could not handle "down escalators"... they made her feel dizzy... and so we always took the elevators in airports.  

There were no "down escalators" on my trip down to Tennessee, but I had to handle three on the way home.  Each brought back old memories of wonderful times traveling together with Dianne.  We will always remember the time when we were in Russia, and had to take public transportation (the subway) to get some of the children back to the orphanage.  The entrance area to the subway was jam-packed, and as we were hurrying along with the children all around us, we suddenly came upon the longest, deepest, steepest down escalator I have ever seen in my life.  When the children realized that Dianne was somewhat panic-stricken, they literally surrounded her like a huge human shield, holding her safely and securely until we reached the bottom of the escalator.

Coming back home, I was full of mixed emotions.  Glad to be coming home, but not glad to be coming home to an empty house.

I pulled into the garage, stopped the car, and proceeded to bawl my eyes out.  Then, I heard Shabby meowing from the kitchen... and it was time to stop crying and feed the cat.

Going through some difficult times? take 5 minutes to listen to this audio clip and be blessed!

I posted on Facebook today about how I was really blessed when I started my car to drive into town today.

God gave me the message I needed to hear at the exact time I needed to hear it.

Thank you, Lord!  Praise you, Lord!

Post by Kenneth Dockery.

Remembering Dianne: her love for orphans of Russia, India, and around the world

All the children in Russia enjoyed having their photos taken with Dianne.  Slaviana (foreground) and Dima in the background are two of the first orphan children we met in Russia.

Our July Big Family Mission newsletter was published in memoriam to Dianne.  If you didn't see a copy, you can view it here:  Big Family News July 2014.

Dianne and I founded Big Family Mission to orphans and made our first trip to Russia in 2003.  We made a dozen or so trips to visit our "big family" in Russia over the years when Dianne was still able to travel long distances.

Slaviana, in the photo above, was eventually taken into the foster family of Max and Ira Mokichev that Big Family helped support for many years.  She became very active in her local church, completed her education, and now has her own family.

Unfortunately, the last time we saw Dima he had graduated from the orphanage, and was battling alcoholism.  His sister had been adopted into a family in the USA when Dima was very young, and he had no family in Russia.  Without the support system of a family, it is very difficult for an orphan to make it in the world.  Through Big Family, Dima did know about his heavenly Father... and we continue to pray that he eventually found his way to the Lord.

Big Family Mission continues to help and minister to Russian orphans through the ministry of Natasha Kirillova and Help for Children.  You can read more about the ministry here: Help for Children in St. Petersburg, Russia.  

Or, on Big Family Mission's website here:  Big Family Ministry.

Have you joined Big Family on Facebook?  If not, please take a look at our page and give us a LIKE?  Here:  Big Family on Facebook.

His and Her Adirondack Chairs Bring Back Memories of How We Much We Enjoyed Just Sitting in the Garden and Talking

My chair and Dianne's chair in our garden.... I can almost imagine them having a conversation about the garden... and what we might do next year

Our good friend Pat is quite the artist when it comes to gardening and landscaping.  A couple of years back, Pat made these adirondack chairs for us, one for Dianne and one for me.

The chairs spend the winter in storage in our garden shed, but come out in the spring (thanks to Pat) to take up a new spot in our back yard.

With all that had been going on with Dianne being in the hospital and then in hospice here at home, I had forgotten about the chairs.  Then, one day shortly after Dianne's going home to the Lord, I looked out my office window... and there they were.

My first reaction was:  I cannot stand seeing the chairs sitting there in the garden... we need to move them somewhere out of site... or maybe just leave them in storage.

But then I remembered how the chairs are really a symbol and remembrance of how Dianne and I used to enjoy just sitting and talking with each other in the garden.

One day when I was feeling really brave, I went out and sat in one of the chairs... and imagined for just a few minutes that Dianne was there by my side, commenting on all the flowers... how the zucchinis and squash are growing so fast... "it will soon be time to harvest the garlic"... and "look at the figs on the fig tree!"

I imagined I took her hand for a few minutes... and that she was able to tell me about lawns and gardens that are "exceeding abundantly  beyond everything that I can ask or think."

Dianne enjoyed so much the beauty that God granted to us here on earth.  How much more she must be full of joy in heaven, basking in  the Light and Love and Beauty of the home that Jesus had prepared for her!

Enjoying an unexpected treat: the last bowl of Dianne's black bean soup... she added the jalapenos and I added the tears

A bowl of Dianne's black bean soup was a special treat on a difficult evening

As I was rummaging through the freezer compartment of our refrigerator, I decided to pitch a few things that had been there for longer than I can remember.

One of the items I almost pitched was this container of black bean soup that Dianne had apparently saved for me the last time she prepared this tasty dish.

I was about to pitch it, because I wasn't sure what it was. Then, I opened it and saw the diced jalapenos that Dianne had carefully placed on the top of the soup before she froze it.  Aha... it has to be black bean soup.

Dianne's artistic talents flowed into her cooking skills.  Most of her meals were culinary "masterpieces".  When I really, really enjoyed one of her meals, I would always say:  "Put that on the menu!"

Dianne's black bean soup was definitely on the menu!
It seemed a bit strange eating the soup that Dianne had so lovingly prepared for me.  And, of course, I was soon spicing up the soup with my tears.

Thank you, Dianne, for remembering that someday I would be needing a special meal.  Thank you for the delicious bowl of black bean soup... and your special touch of jalapenos on top!

It was by far the best and most appreciated bowl of soup I have ever eaten!  

Remembering today how Dianne always insisted that I buy beautiful postage stamps for her

Just a few of Dianne's "beautiful stamps"

As I placed a stamp on an envelope today, I was reminded of how Dianne always requested that I buy "beautiful stamps" when I went to the Post Office.

Just one problem with buying beautiful stamps:  then Dianne didn't want to use them because they were so beautiful!

Apparently (you can see in the photo above), art quilts were featured on first class stamps back when first class postage was 39 cents.  The art quilt stamps are so beautiful and special that... I think I will just hold onto them and cherish them as a memory of Dianne's love for the art and beauty in everything... including postage stamps!

Remembering how Dianne spoiled her "baby boy"... Shabby Shy... our beloved cat!

Shabby Shy takes a nap on the deck as I am grilling... but then
he suddenly woke up when it was time to eat!

Shabby Shy (our cat) loves it when I grill out.  For him, it means:  "a treat is coming my way!"

After I had grilled some turkey and pork this week, I sat outside on the beautiful day and had dinner... with Shabby by my side of course.

As I picked off little pieces of turkey to feed Shabby, I remembered how Dianne had spoiled him this way.  My official "rule" was always:  "no food for Shabby unless it is in his dish!"

But, Dianne enjoyed throwing little scraps of food (especially cheese, Shabby's favorite) and watching him run to gobble them down.  Then, after she had thrown him 3 or 4 pieces, she would pretend to throw out another... and always got a laugh when Shabby would try to chase and find the morsel that didn't exist.  Of course, then she would give him the "real thing"... and the ritual would start over again.

Shabby is officially Dianne's cat.  She prayed him into our life.  The female tiger cat that we had for 18 years became very ill... and just walked out into our woods one day... never to come back.  That was in 2003.  

Dianne and I cried for several days over the loss of our long-time friend and companion... and then, Dianne decided we needed to get a kitten.  I told her:  "If you want another cat, you have to pray, and if one shows up on our deck... we'll take her in."

Two weeks later, Shabby (just a few days old), his mother, and his brother (also a kitten) showed up on our deck.  I think Dianne had been expecting a petite and fluffy white female kitten.  Instead, God gave us Shabby Shy... a Maine Coon boy!  Shabby's mother and brother were so feral that we could never get them to stay in our house... but Shabby was so shy that he hid in our basement for weeks and we had to leave food for him that he ate when we were not around.

Dianne finally coaxed him upstairs.  She did this over a period of about 10 days... one step at a time.  First day, she sat on the bottom step and persuaded Shabby to come and take food from her hand.  Next day... second step.  Next day, third step.  Finally, he made it to the top of the stairs!  I remember how excited she was to tell me when I came home from work that day.

Dianne was never allowed to have pets as a child.  She had a special love for her Shabby Shy... her baby boy. 

Yes, Shabby Shy is still missing his mommy.

Remembering today how Dianne saw the beauty in almost everything in the world around her: especially an old barn

One of a hundred or so photos Dianne took of an old barn near our home

Dianne had the incredible ability to see art and beauty in almost everything in God's wonderful creation.

As I was driving by an old barn near our home today, I remembered how Dianne would often have me stop the car so she could get out and photograph the latest changes in the barn's structure.

Dianne had also had an amazing memory for details of her childhood.  She could remember what color of dress she was wearing and what it looked like when she went for the first day of school in the third grade.  (I cannot remember if I was ever in the third grade!)

I guess this ability comes with being an artist.

Here's a photo of the barn (or what's left of it) that Dianne took last year...

And... finally... here's a photo of one of the fiber art pieces that Dianne made, using the barn photos as reference.  It's entitled "Barn Art I"

Thank you, Dianne, for seeing the beauty and art in the world around you!

Trying to describe the pain you feel from the loss of your dearest friend and helpmate in life: anything higher than 10?

If you knew Dianne, you may or may not have known that she had lived with chronic back pain (resulting from degenerative disc disease) for more than 25 years.  She was very good at masking the pain... and didn't like to complain or talk about her pain.

When she went to see her pain management doctor, she was always asked:  "How's your pain level today?"  She rarely answered "10", but when she did, I knew the pain was unbearable.

Yesterday, I was thinking about the kind of pain that I am feeling with the loss of Dianne, and I read this description written by a lady who had lost her husband:  "At times I could hardly breathe from the weight upon my chest."  

Yes, yes, that's it... a ton of grief carried on my chest!

In the same book, I read that "grief is like a river, and the journey is long.  No one can cross the river for you.  They may walk with you, encourage, or stand on the other side and call, but it's your journey and there is life on the other side."

And, on this journey, there are no shortcuts.  The last few days have definitely been "pain level 10" days.

Willie Nelson? How did he get on this journey of remembering Dianne and trying to heal?

Willie Nelson... the party's over?

How in the world did Willie Nelson get on this journey to healing?

Dianne loved music, especially classical music.  I love music as well, including classical music... however, somewhere along the way... I developed into a fan of Willie Nelson.

When Willie appeared at the old State Theater in Easton a few years ago, Dianne was kind enough to allow us to go his concert.  Not Dianne's kind of music at all, but she sat politely and empathetically through the two hours... especially enjoying the piano playing of Willie's sister, who was then touring with Willie.

Dianne and I used to watch (or sort of watch) the local and evening news on TV.  I seem to have no interest in doing that now.  I think our "news watching time" was more of a time just to sit and relax... and chat with each other.

This week, I turned ABC World News on just as they were announcing the person of the week.  Guess who?  Willie Nelson!

After we went to Willie's concert, Dianne bought me several of Willie's albums... and on rare occasions... we would listen to Willie.

This week, seeing Willie on TV brought back the memories of how Dianne and I used to work together on art work in our basement.  I worked on clay projects... and Dianne worked on her clay monoprints.

And, as we worked together, we listened to music.  Some classical... and yes...some Willie.  When we grew tired and decided to go upstairs, I would often sing for Dianne (in Willie style)... "turn out the lights... the party's over... they say that all good things must end... let's call it a night... the party's over... and tomorrow starts the same old thing again...."

Oh, Dianne, how I wish that we could "tomorrow start that same old thing again"!

For those of you who are not Willie fans, you can listen to "The Party's Over" here:  Willie Nelson, The Party's Over.