Agonizing over yogurt spoons we collected at the Twisty Trunk... what should I do with them?

Spoons from the Twisty Trunk yogurt shop in Kutztown

I have been thinking about these "stupid" spoons all day today.... Maybe if I write about them, it will help me decide what I should do with them.

These are spoons that Dianne and I collected on the few trips we were able to make to the new Twisty Trunk yogurt shop in Kutztown.

When we saw the announcement in the middle of the winter last year about a yogurt shop coming to our little borough, we were both like little children with our excitement.

Each week when we went for groceries (same small shopping center where the yogurt shop was "coming soon"), Dianne would carefully check out progress on the yogurt shop.  And, we would always speculate about when it would open.

Finally, it did open!  Early Spring.  And before Dianne got really, really sick... we were able to make a few trips out there and enjoy the Twisty Trunk!

Dianne insisted on saving the colorful spoons.  She promised that she could turn them into art.  And, I'm sure she would have... eventually.

Should I keep the spoons to remember how much we enjoyed just eating a dish of yogurt with each other?

Or, should I throw them away... in order to forget?

Thank you, Dianne, for your message that reminds us of the "cloud of witnesses" that cheers us on from heaven!

I don't think Dianne ever aspired to be a cheerleader... although she was a cheerleader in a lot of ways during her life.  She did play in the high school band... either the xylophone or glockenspiel.  I didn't play in the high school band... or any other band... so I hope I picked the right instrument.

Listening to another of Dianne's sermons on CD, I was encouraged to know that she is now a cheerleader in heaven!  A part of that "cloud of witnesses" cheering us on...as we run the race... with our eyes fixed on Jesus at the finish line.

On Monday evening this week, I was in the lowest of pits.  For some reason... I cannot even remember why... I wrote on a pad next to our bed: "Dianne, what should I do?"  As I wrote the question, I really didn't have any particular decision in mind.

When I woke up on Tuesday morning, I wasn't surprised that she had not written an answer to me during the night.

Later on Tuesday, I listened to Dianne's message built around the first verses of Hebrews 12.  She talked about the cloud of witnesses cheering us on from heaven.

And, she answered my question that I had written on the pad the day before.  What do the "cloud of witnesses" say to us when we are tired and weary and think we cannot take another step?  "Keep on running!"

Thank you, Lord, for your Word which never returns to you void!  Thank you, Lord, for choosing Dianne for Your cheerleading squad!

You can listen to Dianne's message here:  "Keep on Running!"

Shabby Shy, our cat, is missing his "mommy Dianne"

Shabby relaxing on the deck

Our cat, Shabby Shy, hasn't quite figured out what happened to his "mommy Dianne".

He has been moping around and talking to me a lot over the past few days.  I wish I could understand what he is asking.  I wish he could understand what I am saying.

I wish, Shabby, that I could figure this out myself.

Today, I started listening to one of Dianne's sermons on my computer.  Shabby was nearby... and I could see him perk up and look around... then look at me with a puzzled look... as if to say:  "I hear her... but I don't see her.  Where is she?"

I talk to Shabby a lot lately, and he is a good listener.  Thank you, Shabby, for helping me get through another long day!

And, thank you Lord for this day.  This is the day that the Lord has made... we will rejoice and be glad in it!

This very large hand-built bowl will always be very special to me

Dianne was an artist from the time she was three years old.  When I retired,  she convinced me that I needed to be an artist as well.  I quickly learned that producing a piece of art can be fun... but that it is also a lot of hard work.

I make things in clay through a process that is known as "hand-building".  In a nutshell, that means that you don't use a potter's wheel or anything "automatic" to make a piece.  It also means that it can take forever to make a piece, fire it, glaze it, and fire it again... hoping that there are disasters in the kiln.

I made this really large bowl over a period of about 3 months.  I started it before we knew about Dianne's diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.  She was kind enough to let me use the kitchen table for the project!

Of course, there was a long period when I could not work on it, but I decided to finish it after Dianne's going home.  I think she would have liked it!

Can you find the "heart" that I included in bowl?  I placed it there just as I was finishing the decorating process, just to say... "I love you Dianne!"

Sunday, July 7, was the longest day of the year... on my calendar

Your calendar didn't tell you that yesterday was the longest day of the year... but for me, it was.  At least, the longest day so far this year.

Our daughter Angie returned to Tennessee on Saturday to be with her family, and yesterday was my first day "alone".

Thank you so much, Angie, for taking time away from your husband and daughter to care for your Mom while she was in the hospital and when she came home on hospice care. Thank you for being by my side and by your Mom's side when the sun rose on Friday morning, June 20, and Dianne took her last breath here on earth.  And, thank you for staying two weeks after she went home to be with her Lord...to help me pull things together.

Of course, I also have to thank Chris, Angie's husband, and Grace, their daughter, for so graciously sharing their "angel" with me.

I was blessed and Angie was blessed that she could take the time to be with me throughout this unexpected journey.  

I would like to thank all of our children and all of our family for all their visits, all their care for Dianne, and for being here for me when I needed you so much.

Today (Monday) is another day.  Will it be the longest day of my year?

Help me to remember today: "You ARE the Lord of the Valleys"!

Thank you, Dianne, that you loved books so much, and added so many to our home library over the years!

Another book I discovered in our library is Lord of the Valleys, by Florence Bulle.

This morning I read these words that Dianne had underlined in the book:  "Until the Lordship of Jesus is more than theory, we will constantly be grappling with, and will often be overwhelmed by, the distressing perplexities of fighting the adverse circumstances of life."

When our life together was "just perfect"... and as close to heaven on earth as we can ever get... it was so easy to glorify, praise, and love God!

Lord, help me to trust you, love you, and praise you in this valley... the valley of the shadow of death.  And, help me remember that it is a "shadow".  And, there can be no shadow without the Light.

"Stealing some sugar" on the Kutz Mill Bridge... today's memory

This morning it was the Kutz Mill Bridge that brought the tears.  This is a little covered bridge between our home and "downtown Kutztown".

I drove into town this morning to mail a few things to Dianne's Mom in Florida.

Every time Dianne and I drove over that bridge, I would reach over and pinch her knee.  When we were growing up, we called this "stealing some sugar".

For many years, it was our little ritual as we passed under the roof of the bridge... just to say:  "Remember... I love you!"

For the past few days, I find myself on an emotional roller coaster.  At times, feeling that I understand, feeling God's love, feeling peace.  And, then, I zoom into the pit of despair, and the questions flood back and infect my mind and thinking.

Today, I pray for the Lord's arms wrapped around me.  I am weak and heavy laden, Lord.  I come to you.  I have no other place to go.

Is it okay if a pork chop reminds me of Dianne?

So many little things remind me of Dianne and the precious time we shared.

I took pork chops from the freezer to grill for dinner this evening.  Thick pork chops!  I had to tell our daughter Angie why I was choking up at the sight of a thick pork chop.  It reminded me so much of Dianne and her attention to detail.

Dianne always assured that we bought really thick pork chops when we went out to our local farmers' market.

The butcher at the stand where we bought pork chops always cut his pork chops "too thin"... so Dianne always asked the butcher to cut her thick pork chops.  You could tell that the butcher was grumbling to himself about this lady who always wanted the thick pork chops, but he reluctantly delivered the chops at the perfect thickness for grilling.

Thank you, Dianne, for the really thick pork chops we had today.

We missed you so much at dinner, but yet... you were with us!

"Where are You, Lord?" A question asked by Martha, Mary, and Me

I would like to thank everyone who has been praying for me and our family after our loss.  I have been especially praying for God to "show up"... to assure me that He is here and that He is still in control of the universe... and my life here on earth.

To help in my healing process, I have started bereavement counseling with a Christian counselor.  My counselor invited me to join a Thursday-morning Bible study with him and five other men.  

Yesterday was my first time in the Bible study... and the chapter for the day was John 11... where Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead.  Ironically... or perhaps God-ordained... the study focused on how we deal with the death of a loved one.

I sat through the discussion half-numbed as the younger-than-I men in the group talked about loss of a parent or parents.  Not the same as losing a helpmate, I thought.  Then, the "aha moment" came for me when I remembered that Dianne had given a message on that very passage in the Bible we were studying.  

Last evening, I found the recorded message and listened to the sound advice given to Dianne through the Holy Spirit.  Even from heaven, Dianne was preaching to me and encouraging me during this time when it seems that God is silent.

I highly recommend the message.  I've posted it on our Big Family Mission website.  And, you can listen to it here:  God...Where Are You?  (I have never posted an audio file on our website before, so if you have problems listening to it, can you let me know?)

This morning, I decided to try to find a new book or two to read to help me in my healing process.  I went to the bookshelves in our home office... and immediately was drawn to a book that I had never seen before.  A book with the title:  "Why?  Trusting God When You Don't Understand", written by Anne Graham Lotz.

I thought to myself:  "Dianne must have bought this book at some time, and I have just never noticed it before.  Wow... glad that it showed up at this time!"

When I opened the book, the first thing that I noticed was that the book jacket was on the book upside down.  I said to myself: "Well, I know Dianne never read this book... because she would have never placed it back on the shelf with the cover upside down!"

When I read the first words in the Foreword of the book, I immediately began crying.  Those first words:  

"This book is based on the following portion of God's Word:  'Now a man named Lazarus was sick.  He was from Bethany..."

The book that God had so graciously drawn me to was based on that same chapter in the Bible we had studied the day before and the message from Dianne I had listened to the night before.

Thank you, Lord, for your Love for me during this time of deep hurt!