Remembering Dianne: her love for orphans of Russia, India, and around the world

All the children in Russia enjoyed having their photos taken with Dianne.  Slaviana (foreground) and Dima in the background are two of the first orphan children we met in Russia.

Our July Big Family Mission newsletter was published in memoriam to Dianne.  If you didn't see a copy, you can view it here:  Big Family News July 2014.

Dianne and I founded Big Family Mission to orphans and made our first trip to Russia in 2003.  We made a dozen or so trips to visit our "big family" in Russia over the years when Dianne was still able to travel long distances.

Slaviana, in the photo above, was eventually taken into the foster family of Max and Ira Mokichev that Big Family helped support for many years.  She became very active in her local church, completed her education, and now has her own family.

Unfortunately, the last time we saw Dima he had graduated from the orphanage, and was battling alcoholism.  His sister had been adopted into a family in the USA when Dima was very young, and he had no family in Russia.  Without the support system of a family, it is very difficult for an orphan to make it in the world.  Through Big Family, Dima did know about his heavenly Father... and we continue to pray that he eventually found his way to the Lord.

Big Family Mission continues to help and minister to Russian orphans through the ministry of Natasha Kirillova and Help for Children.  You can read more about the ministry here: Help for Children in St. Petersburg, Russia.  

Or, on Big Family Mission's website here:  Big Family Ministry.

Have you joined Big Family on Facebook?  If not, please take a look at our page and give us a LIKE?  Here:  Big Family on Facebook.

His and Her Adirondack Chairs Bring Back Memories of How We Much We Enjoyed Just Sitting in the Garden and Talking

My chair and Dianne's chair in our garden.... I can almost imagine them having a conversation about the garden... and what we might do next year

Our good friend Pat is quite the artist when it comes to gardening and landscaping.  A couple of years back, Pat made these adirondack chairs for us, one for Dianne and one for me.

The chairs spend the winter in storage in our garden shed, but come out in the spring (thanks to Pat) to take up a new spot in our back yard.

With all that had been going on with Dianne being in the hospital and then in hospice here at home, I had forgotten about the chairs.  Then, one day shortly after Dianne's going home to the Lord, I looked out my office window... and there they were.

My first reaction was:  I cannot stand seeing the chairs sitting there in the garden... we need to move them somewhere out of site... or maybe just leave them in storage.

But then I remembered how the chairs are really a symbol and remembrance of how Dianne and I used to enjoy just sitting and talking with each other in the garden.

One day when I was feeling really brave, I went out and sat in one of the chairs... and imagined for just a few minutes that Dianne was there by my side, commenting on all the flowers... how the zucchinis and squash are growing so fast... "it will soon be time to harvest the garlic"... and "look at the figs on the fig tree!"

I imagined I took her hand for a few minutes... and that she was able to tell me about lawns and gardens that are "exceeding abundantly  beyond everything that I can ask or think."

Dianne enjoyed so much the beauty that God granted to us here on earth.  How much more she must be full of joy in heaven, basking in  the Light and Love and Beauty of the home that Jesus had prepared for her!

Enjoying an unexpected treat: the last bowl of Dianne's black bean soup... she added the jalapenos and I added the tears

A bowl of Dianne's black bean soup was a special treat on a difficult evening

As I was rummaging through the freezer compartment of our refrigerator, I decided to pitch a few things that had been there for longer than I can remember.

One of the items I almost pitched was this container of black bean soup that Dianne had apparently saved for me the last time she prepared this tasty dish.

I was about to pitch it, because I wasn't sure what it was. Then, I opened it and saw the diced jalapenos that Dianne had carefully placed on the top of the soup before she froze it.  Aha... it has to be black bean soup.

Dianne's artistic talents flowed into her cooking skills.  Most of her meals were culinary "masterpieces".  When I really, really enjoyed one of her meals, I would always say:  "Put that on the menu!"

Dianne's black bean soup was definitely on the menu!
It seemed a bit strange eating the soup that Dianne had so lovingly prepared for me.  And, of course, I was soon spicing up the soup with my tears.

Thank you, Dianne, for remembering that someday I would be needing a special meal.  Thank you for the delicious bowl of black bean soup... and your special touch of jalapenos on top!

It was by far the best and most appreciated bowl of soup I have ever eaten!  

Remembering today how Dianne always insisted that I buy beautiful postage stamps for her

Just a few of Dianne's "beautiful stamps"

As I placed a stamp on an envelope today, I was reminded of how Dianne always requested that I buy "beautiful stamps" when I went to the Post Office.

Just one problem with buying beautiful stamps:  then Dianne didn't want to use them because they were so beautiful!

Apparently (you can see in the photo above), art quilts were featured on first class stamps back when first class postage was 39 cents.  The art quilt stamps are so beautiful and special that... I think I will just hold onto them and cherish them as a memory of Dianne's love for the art and beauty in everything... including postage stamps!

Remembering how Dianne spoiled her "baby boy"... Shabby Shy... our beloved cat!

Shabby Shy takes a nap on the deck as I am grilling... but then
he suddenly woke up when it was time to eat!

Shabby Shy (our cat) loves it when I grill out.  For him, it means:  "a treat is coming my way!"

After I had grilled some turkey and pork this week, I sat outside on the beautiful day and had dinner... with Shabby by my side of course.

As I picked off little pieces of turkey to feed Shabby, I remembered how Dianne had spoiled him this way.  My official "rule" was always:  "no food for Shabby unless it is in his dish!"

But, Dianne enjoyed throwing little scraps of food (especially cheese, Shabby's favorite) and watching him run to gobble them down.  Then, after she had thrown him 3 or 4 pieces, she would pretend to throw out another... and always got a laugh when Shabby would try to chase and find the morsel that didn't exist.  Of course, then she would give him the "real thing"... and the ritual would start over again.

Shabby is officially Dianne's cat.  She prayed him into our life.  The female tiger cat that we had for 18 years became very ill... and just walked out into our woods one day... never to come back.  That was in 2003.  

Dianne and I cried for several days over the loss of our long-time friend and companion... and then, Dianne decided we needed to get a kitten.  I told her:  "If you want another cat, you have to pray, and if one shows up on our deck... we'll take her in."

Two weeks later, Shabby (just a few days old), his mother, and his brother (also a kitten) showed up on our deck.  I think Dianne had been expecting a petite and fluffy white female kitten.  Instead, God gave us Shabby Shy... a Maine Coon boy!  Shabby's mother and brother were so feral that we could never get them to stay in our house... but Shabby was so shy that he hid in our basement for weeks and we had to leave food for him that he ate when we were not around.

Dianne finally coaxed him upstairs.  She did this over a period of about 10 days... one step at a time.  First day, she sat on the bottom step and persuaded Shabby to come and take food from her hand.  Next day... second step.  Next day, third step.  Finally, he made it to the top of the stairs!  I remember how excited she was to tell me when I came home from work that day.

Dianne was never allowed to have pets as a child.  She had a special love for her Shabby Shy... her baby boy. 

Yes, Shabby Shy is still missing his mommy.

Remembering today how Dianne saw the beauty in almost everything in the world around her: especially an old barn

One of a hundred or so photos Dianne took of an old barn near our home

Dianne had the incredible ability to see art and beauty in almost everything in God's wonderful creation.

As I was driving by an old barn near our home today, I remembered how Dianne would often have me stop the car so she could get out and photograph the latest changes in the barn's structure.

Dianne had also had an amazing memory for details of her childhood.  She could remember what color of dress she was wearing and what it looked like when she went for the first day of school in the third grade.  (I cannot remember if I was ever in the third grade!)

I guess this ability comes with being an artist.

Here's a photo of the barn (or what's left of it) that Dianne took last year...

And... finally... here's a photo of one of the fiber art pieces that Dianne made, using the barn photos as reference.  It's entitled "Barn Art I"

Thank you, Dianne, for seeing the beauty and art in the world around you!

Trying to describe the pain you feel from the loss of your dearest friend and helpmate in life: anything higher than 10?

If you knew Dianne, you may or may not have known that she had lived with chronic back pain (resulting from degenerative disc disease) for more than 25 years.  She was very good at masking the pain... and didn't like to complain or talk about her pain.

When she went to see her pain management doctor, she was always asked:  "How's your pain level today?"  She rarely answered "10", but when she did, I knew the pain was unbearable.

Yesterday, I was thinking about the kind of pain that I am feeling with the loss of Dianne, and I read this description written by a lady who had lost her husband:  "At times I could hardly breathe from the weight upon my chest."  

Yes, yes, that's it... a ton of grief carried on my chest!

In the same book, I read that "grief is like a river, and the journey is long.  No one can cross the river for you.  They may walk with you, encourage, or stand on the other side and call, but it's your journey and there is life on the other side."

And, on this journey, there are no shortcuts.  The last few days have definitely been "pain level 10" days.

Willie Nelson? How did he get on this journey of remembering Dianne and trying to heal?

Willie Nelson... the party's over?

How in the world did Willie Nelson get on this journey to healing?

Dianne loved music, especially classical music.  I love music as well, including classical music... however, somewhere along the way... I developed into a fan of Willie Nelson.

When Willie appeared at the old State Theater in Easton a few years ago, Dianne was kind enough to allow us to go his concert.  Not Dianne's kind of music at all, but she sat politely and empathetically through the two hours... especially enjoying the piano playing of Willie's sister, who was then touring with Willie.

Dianne and I used to watch (or sort of watch) the local and evening news on TV.  I seem to have no interest in doing that now.  I think our "news watching time" was more of a time just to sit and relax... and chat with each other.

This week, I turned ABC World News on just as they were announcing the person of the week.  Guess who?  Willie Nelson!

After we went to Willie's concert, Dianne bought me several of Willie's albums... and on rare occasions... we would listen to Willie.

This week, seeing Willie on TV brought back the memories of how Dianne and I used to work together on art work in our basement.  I worked on clay projects... and Dianne worked on her clay monoprints.

And, as we worked together, we listened to music.  Some classical... and yes...some Willie.  When we grew tired and decided to go upstairs, I would often sing for Dianne (in Willie style)... "turn out the lights... the party's over... they say that all good things must end... let's call it a night... the party's over... and tomorrow starts the same old thing again...."

Oh, Dianne, how I wish that we could "tomorrow start that same old thing again"!

For those of you who are not Willie fans, you can listen to "The Party's Over" here:  Willie Nelson, The Party's Over.  

Agonizing over yogurt spoons we collected at the Twisty Trunk... what should I do with them?

Spoons from the Twisty Trunk yogurt shop in Kutztown

I have been thinking about these "stupid" spoons all day today.... Maybe if I write about them, it will help me decide what I should do with them.

These are spoons that Dianne and I collected on the few trips we were able to make to the new Twisty Trunk yogurt shop in Kutztown.

When we saw the announcement in the middle of the winter last year about a yogurt shop coming to our little borough, we were both like little children with our excitement.

Each week when we went for groceries (same small shopping center where the yogurt shop was "coming soon"), Dianne would carefully check out progress on the yogurt shop.  And, we would always speculate about when it would open.

Finally, it did open!  Early Spring.  And before Dianne got really, really sick... we were able to make a few trips out there and enjoy the Twisty Trunk!

Dianne insisted on saving the colorful spoons.  She promised that she could turn them into art.  And, I'm sure she would have... eventually.

Should I keep the spoons to remember how much we enjoyed just eating a dish of yogurt with each other?

Or, should I throw them away... in order to forget?

Thank you, Dianne, for your message that reminds us of the "cloud of witnesses" that cheers us on from heaven!

I don't think Dianne ever aspired to be a cheerleader... although she was a cheerleader in a lot of ways during her life.  She did play in the high school band... either the xylophone or glockenspiel.  I didn't play in the high school band... or any other band... so I hope I picked the right instrument.

Listening to another of Dianne's sermons on CD, I was encouraged to know that she is now a cheerleader in heaven!  A part of that "cloud of witnesses" cheering us on...as we run the race... with our eyes fixed on Jesus at the finish line.

On Monday evening this week, I was in the lowest of pits.  For some reason... I cannot even remember why... I wrote on a pad next to our bed: "Dianne, what should I do?"  As I wrote the question, I really didn't have any particular decision in mind.

When I woke up on Tuesday morning, I wasn't surprised that she had not written an answer to me during the night.

Later on Tuesday, I listened to Dianne's message built around the first verses of Hebrews 12.  She talked about the cloud of witnesses cheering us on from heaven.

And, she answered my question that I had written on the pad the day before.  What do the "cloud of witnesses" say to us when we are tired and weary and think we cannot take another step?  "Keep on running!"

Thank you, Lord, for your Word which never returns to you void!  Thank you, Lord, for choosing Dianne for Your cheerleading squad!

You can listen to Dianne's message here:  "Keep on Running!"

Shabby Shy, our cat, is missing his "mommy Dianne"

Shabby relaxing on the deck

Our cat, Shabby Shy, hasn't quite figured out what happened to his "mommy Dianne".

He has been moping around and talking to me a lot over the past few days.  I wish I could understand what he is asking.  I wish he could understand what I am saying.

I wish, Shabby, that I could figure this out myself.

Today, I started listening to one of Dianne's sermons on my computer.  Shabby was nearby... and I could see him perk up and look around... then look at me with a puzzled look... as if to say:  "I hear her... but I don't see her.  Where is she?"

I talk to Shabby a lot lately, and he is a good listener.  Thank you, Shabby, for helping me get through another long day!

And, thank you Lord for this day.  This is the day that the Lord has made... we will rejoice and be glad in it!

This very large hand-built bowl will always be very special to me

Dianne was an artist from the time she was three years old.  When I retired,  she convinced me that I needed to be an artist as well.  I quickly learned that producing a piece of art can be fun... but that it is also a lot of hard work.

I make things in clay through a process that is known as "hand-building".  In a nutshell, that means that you don't use a potter's wheel or anything "automatic" to make a piece.  It also means that it can take forever to make a piece, fire it, glaze it, and fire it again... hoping that there are disasters in the kiln.

I made this really large bowl over a period of about 3 months.  I started it before we knew about Dianne's diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.  She was kind enough to let me use the kitchen table for the project!

Of course, there was a long period when I could not work on it, but I decided to finish it after Dianne's going home.  I think she would have liked it!

Can you find the "heart" that I included in bowl?  I placed it there just as I was finishing the decorating process, just to say... "I love you Dianne!"

Sunday, July 7, was the longest day of the year... on my calendar

Your calendar didn't tell you that yesterday was the longest day of the year... but for me, it was.  At least, the longest day so far this year.

Our daughter Angie returned to Tennessee on Saturday to be with her family, and yesterday was my first day "alone".

Thank you so much, Angie, for taking time away from your husband and daughter to care for your Mom while she was in the hospital and when she came home on hospice care. Thank you for being by my side and by your Mom's side when the sun rose on Friday morning, June 20, and Dianne took her last breath here on earth.  And, thank you for staying two weeks after she went home to be with her Lord...to help me pull things together.

Of course, I also have to thank Chris, Angie's husband, and Grace, their daughter, for so graciously sharing their "angel" with me.

I was blessed and Angie was blessed that she could take the time to be with me throughout this unexpected journey.  

I would like to thank all of our children and all of our family for all their visits, all their care for Dianne, and for being here for me when I needed you so much.

Today (Monday) is another day.  Will it be the longest day of my year?

Help me to remember today: "You ARE the Lord of the Valleys"!

Thank you, Dianne, that you loved books so much, and added so many to our home library over the years!

Another book I discovered in our library is Lord of the Valleys, by Florence Bulle.

This morning I read these words that Dianne had underlined in the book:  "Until the Lordship of Jesus is more than theory, we will constantly be grappling with, and will often be overwhelmed by, the distressing perplexities of fighting the adverse circumstances of life."

When our life together was "just perfect"... and as close to heaven on earth as we can ever get... it was so easy to glorify, praise, and love God!

Lord, help me to trust you, love you, and praise you in this valley... the valley of the shadow of death.  And, help me remember that it is a "shadow".  And, there can be no shadow without the Light.

"Stealing some sugar" on the Kutz Mill Bridge... today's memory

This morning it was the Kutz Mill Bridge that brought the tears.  This is a little covered bridge between our home and "downtown Kutztown".

I drove into town this morning to mail a few things to Dianne's Mom in Florida.

Every time Dianne and I drove over that bridge, I would reach over and pinch her knee.  When we were growing up, we called this "stealing some sugar".

For many years, it was our little ritual as we passed under the roof of the bridge... just to say:  "Remember... I love you!"

For the past few days, I find myself on an emotional roller coaster.  At times, feeling that I understand, feeling God's love, feeling peace.  And, then, I zoom into the pit of despair, and the questions flood back and infect my mind and thinking.

Today, I pray for the Lord's arms wrapped around me.  I am weak and heavy laden, Lord.  I come to you.  I have no other place to go.

Is it okay if a pork chop reminds me of Dianne?

So many little things remind me of Dianne and the precious time we shared.

I took pork chops from the freezer to grill for dinner this evening.  Thick pork chops!  I had to tell our daughter Angie why I was choking up at the sight of a thick pork chop.  It reminded me so much of Dianne and her attention to detail.

Dianne always assured that we bought really thick pork chops when we went out to our local farmers' market.

The butcher at the stand where we bought pork chops always cut his pork chops "too thin"... so Dianne always asked the butcher to cut her thick pork chops.  You could tell that the butcher was grumbling to himself about this lady who always wanted the thick pork chops, but he reluctantly delivered the chops at the perfect thickness for grilling.

Thank you, Dianne, for the really thick pork chops we had today.

We missed you so much at dinner, but yet... you were with us!

"Where are You, Lord?" A question asked by Martha, Mary, and Me

I would like to thank everyone who has been praying for me and our family after our loss.  I have been especially praying for God to "show up"... to assure me that He is here and that He is still in control of the universe... and my life here on earth.

To help in my healing process, I have started bereavement counseling with a Christian counselor.  My counselor invited me to join a Thursday-morning Bible study with him and five other men.  

Yesterday was my first time in the Bible study... and the chapter for the day was John 11... where Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead.  Ironically... or perhaps God-ordained... the study focused on how we deal with the death of a loved one.

I sat through the discussion half-numbed as the younger-than-I men in the group talked about loss of a parent or parents.  Not the same as losing a helpmate, I thought.  Then, the "aha moment" came for me when I remembered that Dianne had given a message on that very passage in the Bible we were studying.  

Last evening, I found the recorded message and listened to the sound advice given to Dianne through the Holy Spirit.  Even from heaven, Dianne was preaching to me and encouraging me during this time when it seems that God is silent.

I highly recommend the message.  I've posted it on our Big Family Mission website.  And, you can listen to it here:  God...Where Are You?  (I have never posted an audio file on our website before, so if you have problems listening to it, can you let me know?)

This morning, I decided to try to find a new book or two to read to help me in my healing process.  I went to the bookshelves in our home office... and immediately was drawn to a book that I had never seen before.  A book with the title:  "Why?  Trusting God When You Don't Understand", written by Anne Graham Lotz.

I thought to myself:  "Dianne must have bought this book at some time, and I have just never noticed it before.  Wow... glad that it showed up at this time!"

When I opened the book, the first thing that I noticed was that the book jacket was on the book upside down.  I said to myself: "Well, I know Dianne never read this book... because she would have never placed it back on the shelf with the cover upside down!"

When I read the first words in the Foreword of the book, I immediately began crying.  Those first words:  

"This book is based on the following portion of God's Word:  'Now a man named Lazarus was sick.  He was from Bethany..."

The book that God had so graciously drawn me to was based on that same chapter in the Bible we had studied the day before and the message from Dianne I had listened to the night before.

Thank you, Lord, for your Love for me during this time of deep hurt!