Remembering Dianne as tax time approaches: it just won't be the same with her not here

As time goes by, I realize more and more that the everyday things we shared with our spouse were precious jewels in the time we were together on planet earth.

Why do I so much miss Dianne as the deadline for filing federal income taxes approaches?

Perhaps every married couple has a "special ritual" they go through in preparing their income tax filings?

First, I miss Dianne because she always kept me reminded that "it's time to work on the taxes".  Dianne wrote the checks, paid bills, and kept track of our donations.  With the help of TurboTax, I always did our tax return.

In the past, when I finally decided to "buckle down" and do the tax return, I think that Dianne held her breath and kept busy in her studio... just waiting for me to come looking for some receipt or some piece of paper I needed to complete the return.  Dianne was always so organized with things... and ... well... let's just say that I am the opposite.

Dianne always prepared a nice detailed listing of all our donations for the year, so getting through that part of the return was a breeze.  I don't have that nice detailed listing this year.

When I got through the "first pass" at completing the return, Dianne would always ask:  "Well, how much do we owe?"  It seems that we always owed the government.  I tried to explain to Dianne that owing is a good thing because we were not lending money to the government during the year.  She listened to my reasoning, but I know that she would have felt much better if the government was giving us some of our tax money back on April 15.

We usually got through our "tax ritual" in a day or two... I gave Dianne the amounts so she would be sure to have the money in the bank to pay the taxes... and then we would get back to everyday life.

Preparing tax returns is always a pain... but this year, it will be especially painful without my Dianne's help.

"You are not writing as much on your blog... that means you are doing better now?

Someone commented to me recently:  "You don't write as much on your blog....  I guess that means you are doing better?"

Actually, no, it doesn't mean I am doing better.  I am not doing better.  I lost the love of my life.  I still feel like half a person. I miss her more than ever.  I hurt a lot and cry a lot.

There is a popular myth floating around that after a year... or maybe two... you "get over" the loss of a husband or wife.  Since Dianne's passing I have talked with many widows and widowers.  Some are only a few years away from their loss, and for some, it has been 10 years or more since the passing of their husband or wife.  Absolutely NONE of these people have "gotten over" their loss.  They may have journeyed through the loss... but the pain is still there and often comes back at the most unexpected times.

So, if you're praying for me, please don't stop!  I need you now more than ever!

Snowflakes bring back the memories of my first date with Dianne: a Sunday walk in the snow

Photo of Dianne on the battlefield near the bridge that was "out" that Sunday

GRIEF has its way of sneaking up on you and clobbering you when you least expect it.  Yesterday, as I was taking my walk around the neighborhood, it began to snow... just a few flakes swirling around... but it brought back the memory of the first "date" I had with Dianne... a Sunday walk in the snow.

At Dianne's memorial service, Kevin, my son, read my account of that first date... and the pain I was feeling after one-half of me had been "ripped" away.  I share now with you that memory that came floating back yesterday.

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I will always remember my first “date” with Dianne…. At least, I think it was a “date”. 

When we met in Gettysburg, we both already had children… we were busy making a living… and we were both recovering from the trauma and after-shock of divorce.  So, I am not sure that we ever had a “real date” before we got married.

That first “date” was a walk on the Gettysburg battlefield.  It had snowed the night before, and the sun was out… when I received a call from Dianne… “Would you like to go for a walk on the battlefield?”

 I must admit I was overwhelmed:  first, by the reality that this beautiful lady was asking me to accompany her on a walk… and secondly, by the fact that I didn’t have any boots!

I don’t remember what I put on my feet on that day… but I will always cherish the memory of taking that first walk with Dianne.  Our walk took us along one of the less-traveled trails on the battlefield. 

When we came to a small creek, the bridge that crossed the creek had completely collapsed.  I wanted to turn around and go back the way we had come, but Dianne took my hand, led me down the creek bank, and we crossed on an old log that had fallen over the creek.

I will never forget that first time Dianne held my hand.  I was in love!  And, about 5 months later, we were married on that very spot in the battlefield where the “bridge was out”.

I wrote this little poem about that special walk on the battlefield:

The Bridge Was Out

It was a Sunday walk in snow…

down through a path I did not know.

Our trail cut through a silent wood—

We marched and laughed and then just stood

to listen to the awesome quiet

of melting snow and geese in flight.

With child-like glee we traced our route down to a stream….

The bridge was out.

And, though I would have turned around

to journey back the road we’d found,

you said, “let’s cross, I have a plan—

you see that log?  I think we can…”

And thanks to you

we found the way

that lay beyond the bridge that day!

When I wrote the poem… the “way” in “we found the way” was not capitalized.  During this past week, I’ve decided that I should capitalize the “w” in Way.  Not, we found the “way”…. But we found THE WAY!

When Dianne and I met, we had fallen away from our roots in the LORD, but very early in our marriage, we recognized our need to come back to HIS WAY.

We grew in our love for each other and for the Lord.  Eventually, we became “one flesh” as described in Genesis 2:24...

Last Friday at dawn, I held Dianne’s loving hand as she gasped for each new breath.  Like that first time I held her hand on the battlefield… I will never forget that sweet, but painful goodbye. 

We were indeed “one flesh”, and now I must admit that I feel like one-half of me has been ripped away.

Lord, I thank you for my beautiful helpmate…beautiful both on the outside and inside… the beautiful lady who took my hand on the battlefield that day.

Yes, Lord,  you taught that we are not married in heaven as we are on earth,  but please, please Lord, let  Dianne reach out, take my hand, and lead me home when it is my turn to dwell with You forever.

Remembering Dianne on this valentine's day: writing love letters in the snow. What a difference a year makes.

Last year, we got a lot of snow in PA in early February.  One of the snows was just a couple of inches.  When I went out to shovel the driveway, Dianne​ was in her studio.  I knew that sooner or later she would look out her window to see how I was  doing.  

With Valentine's Day just a few days away, I carefully "shoveled" this "I LOVE YOU" for her on the driveway outside her windows.  

As I finished up my note to her, she appeared at her window, tapping to get my attention.  Then she was back with her camera to take this photo.  Later, I used the photo in the valentine that I made for her last year.  

At that time, neither of us dreamed that she would be in heaven this year.  I love you and miss you so much, Dianne!

Six months after losing Dianne: it hurts more each day but I understand the hurt a little better

   

    Today marks six months since my dearest Dianne went home to be with our Lord.

    If someone had asked me a year ago (before my loss of Dianne) if I would miss her less after 6 months, I would have probably said... "yes"?

    Now, having gone through six months of grieving, I am not surprised that I miss her more and more each day.  A few months ago, I thought it was a "bad thing" to miss her more as time goes by.  Today, I understand that my missing her this way just demonstrates how much I loved her and still do love her.

    Time does not heal all wounds!

     Although the hurt is deep and the missing more intense with each passing day, I am encouraged when I remember that each passing day brings me one day closer to being home with the Lord and with Dianne.

    My love and thanks goes out to each of you who are with me on this journey! 

How God comforts us and helps us through pain and grief, by Pastor Rick Warren

     I listened to this message last evening... passing it along. Pastor Rick Warren, who lost his 27-year-old son due to suicide, shares six ways God comforts and helps us through grief:

+ God draws us close to Himself;

+ God feels our pain with us;

+ God gives us a church family for support;

+ God uses grief and pain to help us grow

+ God gives us the promise of heaven

+ God uses our pain to help others.

     Pastor Rick also gives some advice for those who are comforting those who are grieving: 

(1) Never minimize the grieving person's pain or try to "fix it"; and 

(2) Never try to rush people through the grieving process or set time expectations for how long the grieving process should last. 

     We don't get over the loss of a loved one... we get through it.

     Click on the link for the 45-minute message: How God Can Bless a Broken Heart.

Today, I am thankful for all of my family: here in USA, in Russia, and around the world!

These are foster children that Dianne and I visited on a couple of our trips to Russia

Today, I am remembering the two Thanksgiving Days that Dianne and I spent in Russia ministering to the kids in orphanages there. The children had so little to be thankful for, but they were so anxious to give and to share.

Experiences I will never forget: the one little girl who insisted that I should take her bean bag doll as a gift... and the little one who persisted that I should hold her gloved hand as we road on the train, because she had gloves and I did not.

On one of our Thanksgiving Day visits, we were at the Luga Orphanage, about 4 hours south of St. Petersburg, and Dianne told the children about eating pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving Day. The children had never heard of such an unusual thing, and asked her to bring pumpkin pie on our next visit. Dianne didn't forget. The next time we traveled to Russia, she took the ingredients for a pumpkin pie. She tried to make the pie at a small flat in Luga, and the stove would not cooperate... so she ended up making pumpkin cake. The kids loved it anyway!

On another Thanksgiving Day, when Eva Эвелина Птуха was working as our coordinator and interpreter, we went to Misha's (Eva's husband) Mom's flat for a wonderful feast. Misha's Mom wanted us to feel "at home" on our Thanksgiving Day... and we did! Of course, Thanksgiving Day is not celebrated in Russia.

Today, I am thankful for all of my family... my family here in the USA and in Russia and around the world... all of my Big Family. I am thankful to the Lord that He gave His life for me and all of my family so that we can spend eternity together!

Dianne's studio: without the fabric and work tables... a sad song without a melody

Dianne's studio, after removing work tables and most of her fabric

     Every time I look into Dianne's studio, the pain of deep loss flows through me.

     The studio is so empty now, without her work tables and the storage cabinets brimming over with fabric that she had collected over the years.

    Dianne and I used to call that tile area in front of the fireplace our "dance floor".  Yes, we actually danced there a few times... before we installed her work tables over the tile area.

     Now, the dance floor is empty again... and I am so empty without her in my arms.

     

How do we embrace God's purpose and provision in suffering? 25 classic and contemporary answers.

For any Christian going through mourning and grief... or a journey of pain and disappointment... I would recommend Be Still, My Soul, a collection of 25 classic and contemporary readings about the Christian experience with pain and suffering.

This is definitely not a "surface" read.  It's real meat for those who want to look directly in the face of tragedy and disappointment... for those who are asking the question: "Why is God allowing this in my life?"

I will share a few thoughts from one of the articles in the book, written by A.W. Tozer:

"It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply.

"Without doubt we of this generation have become too soft to scale great spiritual heights.  Salvation has come to mean deliverance from unpleasant things.  Our hymns and sermons create for us a religion of consolations and pleasantness.  

"We overlook the place of the thorns, the cross, and the blood."

If anyone is reading this article, and would like a copy of the book, but cannot afford to buy it right now... email me and I will send you a copy.

Thank you for joining with me on my journey through grief!

Can I have enough faith to say: "Thank you, Lord, for breaking my heart?"

Is it now the time for me to thank God for breaking my heart?

God spoke to me through His servant Oswald Chambers... from yesterday's devotional in My Utmost for His Highest...

"Why shouldn’t we experience heartbreak? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us collapse at the first grip of pain. We sit down at the door of God’s purpose and enter a slow death through self-pity. And all the so-called Christian sympathy of others helps us to our deathbed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, as if to say, “Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine.” If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?"

Thank you, Lord, for breaking my heart. Now I reach for the grip of that pierced hand. Help me, Lord, to arise and shine!

Remembering how Dianne loved the beauty of large rocks... and how "The Rock" blessed me with "a rock"!

"A rock" given to me by "The Rock"

Today, I write about "a rock" and "The Rock".

First, I must explain that Dianne had a fascination for rocks... not the diamonds kind... but large rocks.  When we built our home, we were able to import several large boulders to accent our lawn.

When we drove over to the Cracker Barrel in Hamburg, we always passed a landscaping business that displayed a huge rock on the corner of the property.  Dianne would always say something like:  "Can we get that rock?"  Of course, the rock was really too big for us to think about relocating to our lawn, but Dianne always enjoyed seeing it there as we passed by.

I can remember on one of our road trips south on Interstate 81, when we stopped at a motel for our night's rest... the next morning, Dianne spent almost an hour taking photos of the large rocks behind the motel.

OK... hopefully, I have established that Dianne really loved the beauty of "big rocks".

Just two weeks ago, I took my first road trip south on 81 without Dianne by my side.  I stopped at the Quality Inn in Staunton, VA, where I had made a reservation a couple of days before.

I was really surprised at how clean and modern the hotel was.  The room was beautiful.  Of course, I couldn't help but think how much Dianne would have appreciated the very clean and modern room, complete with nice paintings hanging on the wall.  Yes, it was terribly lonely in that beautiful motel room all by myself.  I was definitely hurting through the night.

When I woke up in the morning, I decided to open the curtains in my room to check out the view.  

The view consisted of one huge rock right outside my window!  One of the most beautiful rocks I have ever seen in my life!  I wish the photo above was clearer.  I made it through the window in my room.

After I had checked out and was headed down 81, tears of joy ran down my cheeks as I thought about how unusual it was for that rock to be right outside my motel room.

Consider:

• I don't normally stay at Quality Inns;

• When I made my reservation, I had enough points to stay free of charge at one Choice motel in Staunton (the Quality Inn);

• Earlier this year, the Quality Inn at Staunton was a Microtel.  It was bought and converted into a Quality Inn this spring.  I certainly would have never stayed at a Microtel;

• There was one room in the entire motel that had a rock outside its window:  the room that I stayed in.

When I returned home and went to church this past Sunday, can you guess the song that led off our worship service?  If you guessed "Rock of Ages", you are indeed correct.

My praise goes up to "The Rock" who gave me "a rock" when I was walking through the "valley of the shadow of death"!

"A rock" that "The Rock" planted outside my motel room in Staunton, Virginia

Confessing how I didn't understand what widows and widowers were going through... before my Dianne went to heaven

(I published this "status" on Facebook recently, but I know there are a few people who read this blog who are not on Facebook... so here it is on the blog....   

  I must confess that, before Dianne went to heaven, I was somewhat insensitive to the grief experienced by widows and widowers. I used to think: "Well, it's been 3 months since their husband or wife passed away... they should be getting over it... and getting on with life." Or, "it's been a year... and surely they should be 'over it' by now."

     Now that I am a part of this group that I never wanted to join, I realize that losing the love of your life creates a hole in your life... and the grief is with you for the rest of your life. You might plow through the grief, find ways to tame it, find ways to share it... but the grief is going to be there for the rest of your life.

     It's not a very happy kind of statistic, but unfortunately, almost one-half of married couples are going to be experiencing the grief of losing their spouse. Of course, a few couples go home together... but it's rare. Dianne and I had always prayed that we would live long lives, just go to bed one night, and pass away together during the night... going on to be with our Lord. Of course, God didn't answer that prayer the way that we thought best.

     Why do I write this? 

     For those of you who have your spouses... cherish each day and frequently express your love for each other.

     And... to everyone who has never experienced losing a spouse... just understand and encourage those who have.