As time goes by, I realize more and more that the everyday things we shared with our spouse were precious jewels in the time we were together on planet earth.
Why do I so much miss Dianne as the deadline for filing federal income taxes approaches?
Perhaps every married couple has a "special ritual" they go through in preparing their income tax filings?
First, I miss Dianne because she always kept me reminded that "it's time to work on the taxes". Dianne wrote the checks, paid bills, and kept track of our donations. With the help of TurboTax, I always did our tax return.
In the past, when I finally decided to "buckle down" and do the tax return, I think that Dianne held her breath and kept busy in her studio... just waiting for me to come looking for some receipt or some piece of paper I needed to complete the return. Dianne was always so organized with things... and ... well... let's just say that I am the opposite.
Dianne always prepared a nice detailed listing of all our donations for the year, so getting through that part of the return was a breeze. I don't have that nice detailed listing this year.
When I got through the "first pass" at completing the return, Dianne would always ask: "Well, how much do we owe?" It seems that we always owed the government. I tried to explain to Dianne that owing is a good thing because we were not lending money to the government during the year. She listened to my reasoning, but I know that she would have felt much better if the government was giving us some of our tax money back on April 15.
We usually got through our "tax ritual" in a day or two... I gave Dianne the amounts so she would be sure to have the money in the bank to pay the taxes... and then we would get back to everyday life.
Preparing tax returns is always a pain... but this year, it will be especially painful without my Dianne's help.
One person's journey towards healing after the loss of my helpmate and the love of my life here on earth. Mainly posted for my family and friends... and to help me make it through each day... but others welcome to join on the journey
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
"You are not writing as much on your blog... that means you are doing better now?
Someone commented to me recently: "You don't write as much on your blog.... I guess that means you are doing better?"
Actually, no, it doesn't mean I am doing better. I am not doing better. I lost the love of my life. I still feel like half a person. I miss her more than ever. I hurt a lot and cry a lot.
There is a popular myth floating around that after a year... or maybe two... you "get over" the loss of a husband or wife. Since Dianne's passing I have talked with many widows and widowers. Some are only a few years away from their loss, and for some, it has been 10 years or more since the passing of their husband or wife. Absolutely NONE of these people have "gotten over" their loss. They may have journeyed through the loss... but the pain is still there and often comes back at the most unexpected times.
So, if you're praying for me, please don't stop! I need you now more than ever!
Actually, no, it doesn't mean I am doing better. I am not doing better. I lost the love of my life. I still feel like half a person. I miss her more than ever. I hurt a lot and cry a lot.
There is a popular myth floating around that after a year... or maybe two... you "get over" the loss of a husband or wife. Since Dianne's passing I have talked with many widows and widowers. Some are only a few years away from their loss, and for some, it has been 10 years or more since the passing of their husband or wife. Absolutely NONE of these people have "gotten over" their loss. They may have journeyed through the loss... but the pain is still there and often comes back at the most unexpected times.
So, if you're praying for me, please don't stop! I need you now more than ever!
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Snowflakes bring back the memories of my first date with Dianne: a Sunday walk in the snow
Photo of Dianne on the battlefield near the bridge that was "out" that Sunday |
GRIEF has its way of sneaking up on you and clobbering you when you least expect it. Yesterday, as I was taking my walk around the neighborhood, it began to snow... just a few flakes swirling around... but it brought back the memory of the first "date" I had with Dianne... a Sunday walk in the snow.
At Dianne's memorial service, Kevin, my son, read my account of that first date... and the pain I was feeling after one-half of me had been "ripped" away. I share now with you that memory that came floating back yesterday.
*********************************************************************
I will always remember my
first “date” with Dianne…. At least, I think it was a “date”.
When we met in Gettysburg, we
both already had children… we were busy making a living… and we were both
recovering from the trauma and after-shock of divorce. So, I am not sure that we ever had a “real
date” before we got married.
That first “date” was a walk
on the Gettysburg battlefield. It had
snowed the night before, and the sun was out… when I received a call from
Dianne… “Would you like to go for a walk on the battlefield?”
I must admit I was overwhelmed: first, by the reality that this beautiful
lady was asking me to accompany her on a walk… and secondly, by the fact that I
didn’t have any boots!
I don’t remember what I put
on my feet on that day… but I will always cherish the memory of taking that
first walk with Dianne. Our walk took us
along one of the less-traveled trails on the battlefield.
When we came to a small
creek, the bridge that crossed the creek had completely collapsed. I wanted to turn around and go back the way
we had come, but Dianne took my hand, led me down the creek bank, and we
crossed on an old log that had fallen over the creek.
I will never forget that
first time Dianne held my hand. I was in love! And, about 5 months later, we were married on
that very spot in the battlefield where the “bridge was out”.
I wrote this little poem
about that special walk on the battlefield:
The Bridge Was Out
It was a Sunday walk in snow…
down through a path I did not
know.
Our trail cut through a
silent wood—
We marched and laughed and
then just stood
to listen to the awesome
quiet
of melting snow and geese in
flight.
With child-like glee we
traced our route down to a stream….
The bridge was out.
And, though I would have turned
around
to journey back the road we’d
found,
you said, “let’s cross, I
have a plan—
you see that log? I think we can…”
And thanks to you
we found the way
that lay beyond the bridge
that day!
When I wrote the poem… the
“way” in “we found the way” was not capitalized. During this past week, I’ve decided that I should
capitalize the “w” in Way. Not, we found
the “way”…. But we found THE WAY!
When Dianne and I met, we had
fallen away from our roots in the LORD, but very early in our marriage, we recognized
our need to come back to HIS WAY.
We grew in our love for each
other and for the Lord. Eventually, we became
“one flesh” as described in Genesis 2:24...
Last Friday at dawn, I held
Dianne’s loving hand as she gasped for each new breath. Like that first time I held her hand on the
battlefield… I will never forget that sweet, but painful goodbye.
We were indeed “one flesh”,
and now I must admit that I feel like one-half of me has been ripped away.
Lord, I thank you for my
beautiful helpmate…beautiful both on the outside and inside… the beautiful lady
who took my hand on the battlefield that day.
Yes, Lord, you taught that we are not married in heaven
as we are on earth, but please, please Lord,
let Dianne reach out, take my hand, and
lead me home when it is my turn to dwell with You forever.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Remembering Dianne on this valentine's day: writing love letters in the snow. What a difference a year makes.
Last year, we got a lot of snow in PA in early February. One of the snows was just a couple of inches. When I went out to shovel the driveway, Dianne was in her studio. I knew that sooner or later she would look out her window to see how I was doing.
With Valentine's Day just a few days away, I carefully "shoveled" this "I LOVE YOU" for her on the driveway outside her windows.
As I finished up my note to her, she appeared at her window, tapping to get my attention. Then she was back with her camera to take this photo. Later, I used the photo in the valentine that I made for her last year.
At that time, neither of us dreamed that she would be in heaven this year. I love you and miss you so much, Dianne!
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